R.I.P. Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow

Today is a sad day. After reading about the tragic event that took place this morning, I had decided to spend the day in mourning out of respect. But then I realized I could show respect ten fold by celebrating a life as opposed to drying my tears. So I shall do my best to keep my composure and be strong.

This morning was like any other morning. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and went downstairs. After grabbing a diet coke, I sat down at the computer and checked today's news. I would have read the paper, but either my paper guy hates me or my neighbor is a thief...because I didn't have one. So I go to a news site and begin to read about the events that took place the previous day and while we slept. Lot's of interesting stories. Sounds like last nights democratic debate was a good one. Scientists discovered a rare creature in Vietnam. There was more death and destruction in Iraq. Apparently the reason the new Pope wears ruby red shoes is to make a statement of his desire to demonstrate continuity with the symbols and history of the church. And a baseball player has been lying about his age. Those are just some of today's headlines. I won't bore you by going over all the big stories. Trust me....the economy still sucks, Britney is still a psycho, and gas is at $42 a gallon. But all of these stories were secondary to the one that headlined the website. I'm talking about the story that has me all discombobulated on the inside.

So here it is...no more beating around the bush. The easiest way to get through this is to just come out and say it. Martha Stewart's dog died! (pause for moment of silence).

That's correct. That was today's top story. His name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, and he was 13 years old....or 91 in dog years. Apparently he died of acute renal failure....or ARF. ARF is a rapidly progressive loss of renal function, or decreased urine production. Martha's people say she is holding up fine. She spent the day with Sharkey and Francesca, her 2 other dogs. They looked at old photo albums and played fetch for most of the day. Funeral services will be held at the Church of Saint Peter and WHO GIVES A CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you flipping kidding me? This was today's "Big news"? Her Dad didn't die. her Mom didn't die. Her f#*%ing dog died. And what the hell kind of name is Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow? Cheese and rice...pick a name, will ya? Whoever the reporter is that thought we the public just HAD to know about this should be hunted down and tarred and feathered. Martha Stewart going to jail = news. Martha's mutt kicking the bucket = Martha's dog kicked the bucket. I get that pets are like family to some people, and sadness is sure to ensue. But is it newsworthy? I can see it now. The Pope will be giving his speech in D.C. and it will go something like this: "God bless our troops overseas and that all countries involved can find peace. God bless all of the sick and dying children of the world. God bless the homeless and weak. And....oh yeah...I almost forgot...God bless Maratha's dog". I am more interested in trying to have a conversation with a piece of cheese than I am in ole Martha's canine. It's not like she's Oprah. That would have been acceptable had it been her dog.

So that's all.

Oh yeah. I was thinking the other day and I wondered: If a guy is alone in the woods, and he says something.....is he still wrong? Someone get back to me on that will ya?