Is My Cat Retarded?

Remember how Phoebe from "Friends" had the hit single, "Smelly Cat"? Well, I am going to write a follow up song to that called "Retarded Cat". Kind of a catchy tune, don't you think?

So the question at hand is if my cat is retarded or not. Why would I wonder such a thing? Oh...I don't know....maybe because she acts RETARDED!!!!! Take everything you know about cats, and throw it out the window, because that aint my kitty. Let's start with the fact that she thinks she is a dog. She loves to play fetch. She will sit there, wait for you to throw it, go get it, bring it back and drop it your hand. Actually it's kind of cool playing fetch with her. Then there is the bathtub. Water does not phase her. Not only has she gotten into the tub while the kids are bathing, she also likes to drink out of the toilet. So next time you are over and she wants to give you kisses, you have been warned. She also likes to drink from the sink while the water is running. OK..so these traits don't make her a re-re, just confused I guess.

What classifies someone, or something as retarded? I know some people might be saying that it is not nice to make fun of retarded people. And to that I have 2 things to say back to you: 1) I am not making fun of a person. And B)Have you not figured out you are reading the wrong blog yet if you think I care. (I care) (not really). So back to classifying someone as retarded. Websters Dictionary defines it as: "slow or limited in intellectual or emotional development or academic progress". Now seeing as how my cat already finished kitty school, and does not show much emotion, we can concentrate on the "limited in intellectual" part. By the way, aren't cats supposed to be smart? Or is that just dogs? Anyway, I digress.

For starters, she tends to walk into walls allot. Could be a vision thing I guess. I mean seriously, how do you not see a dog chasing your ass...twice? So much for having cat like reflexes. Then there was the time she got out of the house and was missing for 2 days. It was upsetting while she was gone. But here is the kicker. When I found her, SHE WAS 4 HOUSES AWAY!!!. Are you kidding me? Cats have traveled cross country to find their families, but my short-yellow-school-bus-riding cat can't find her way back from 100 yards away? I guess it's time to change the batteries in her GPS....or not let her out of the house anymore. But that would be too easy. So we now know that she has bad reflexes and vision, and is terrible with directions. One would think she would have stopped and asked for directions since she is a female.

We all know cats love to play. If you wag something in front of them, they will chase it and catch it. But how long does it take a cat to figure out they can't catch something? We have this laser light that puts a small red dot on whatever you aim it at. She LOVES to chase that, and I must admit, it does provide hours of mind boggling entertainment. And obviously, she never catches it. But that doesn't stop her. Even when she is right on top of it, she can't seem to process the fact that she will never get it. And if you put it up on the wall, she will jump at it until you move it. Ohh..that's good stuff.

So maybe she is not related to my 3 legged retarded friend from Kentucky. Maybe she just likes to play. No...she's retarded.

I am a little jealous of her though. She gets to have kitty weed...or catnip....without any worries of getting busted. Now take all of the behaviors described above, and add catnip to the equation. What you get is entertainment you can't pay for. It is better than watching a midget wrestle a monkey in an inflatable pool filled with chocolate syrup....and we all know I like chocolate. When she gets into the nip...all bets are off. She is like a crazed Hyena that just heard a good joke. She is going a mile a minute, bouncing off the walls, running into things.....God the SCPA would have a field day with me.

So there you have it. My cat is "special". But then again, so am I, so I guess that is why I find all of this so entertaining. And it is also why I thought anyone would care to hear about my cat. It sounded much better in my head...as do most things.

Good Day