Good Answer, Good Answer!!!!!!!!

"We surveyed 100 people, top 6 answers are on the board. Name a food that people might call someone" DING DING DING "Turkey" ("good answer, good answer"). "Show me Turkey". Ding. "Number 2 answer. OK John, you can still get one answer higher. Name a food that people might call someone". "Snake" ("good answer, good answer")........

OK, I am just going to stop there. Because even a 3 legged retarded kid from Kentucky can tell you that "snake" is not going to be up there, so no need for me to play it out. If you have not figured it out yet, either you are the 3 legged retarded kid from Kentucky, or you never watch TV.....EVER! I am talking about Family Feud. I was watching the ever-so-delightful game show last night, and as you can imagine, I have a problem with the show that takes an IQ of negative 7 to play. Here in lies my "problem" with Family Feud:

For starters, where do they get these people? Deep in the woods of Alabama? If that were true, I could see where referring to snake as a food would seem logical. But seriously, how hard is it to get the first couple of obvious answers? Once you get down to the remaining answer, I will back off a little and agree it may not be as easy to get it. But when someone asks you to name a food that people might call someone, before you even hit that buzzer, Turkey, Pig, Cheese-ball, Chicken, and Hot Dog should already be in your head. That covers 5 of the 6 answers right there. But no. Mr. Genius comes up with Snake. Had the question been "name an animal that people might call someone", this guy would be declared winner-winner-chicken-dinner.

So maybe he was just nervous. Maybe he misunderstood the question for name an animal instead of name a food. Lets go ahead and cut him some slack, and see how he recovers in the next round. "We surveyed 100 people, top 5 answers are on the board. Name a food you could still eat if you didn't have any teeth". Ok. Let's stop there for a second. Did everyone come up with either mashed potato's, ice cream, soup, jello, or pudding? That would be all 5 answers right there. Pat yourself on the back. Even our 3 legged retarded friend from Kentucky is attempting to clap in excitement, seeing as how he got at least 2 right. The first 2 people in line go with soup and jello. Great start. Then we get to snake boy. Without missing a beat, he says "slim fast". Even I can't make this s#*t up people. Slim fast....really? That is the best you could come up with? Really? WOW!!!!

Now we have covered the first part of what gets my golden la-may thong in a bunch. That would be stupid people. I have always said there is no such thing as a stupid question...just stupid people. I'm sorry. Stupid isn't very nice. Let's go with "smart-challenged". Is that better? Now the second part to my getting all bent out of shape over a silly game show is the families. When that guy said "snake", the other 4 members of his family are clapping and yelling "good answer, good answer". NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! Not good answer. Terrible answer. Lets say my beautiful family is on that show. And lets say the question is...ohhh...."name a sport that is played on grass" It is my sisters turn (I won't use names, but it begins with a T)...and she yells out "Hockey"...all proud as if she was just healed of Polio by a TV Evangelist....you can bet all 3 legs on our kid from Kentucky that my ass is not going to clap and say good answer. I am going to look at her like a tourist looks at a Chinese McDonald's menu (confused and bewildered for those of you falling behind), and most likely slap her if I am close enough. Are you f@#*ing kidding me? Is your name really Corky? I love you sis, but way to not be smarter than a 5th grader on national television. At this point, I am telling the crowd that I am a product of the milkman, and covering my face as I exit the stage. I can't wait to see what you come up with next. If the question is "name a word that begins with the letter A", what is your flash of brilliance going to be this time? "Uhhhh...PIZZA!!! Yeah...I did it". Yo sis...you have some applesauce dripping from the corner of your mouth. I don't know....maybe you have to say good answer. Maybe it is in the contract.

So there you have it people. Now if you will excuse me, I am off to watch Jepordy with my pal from Kentucky. Maybe I can beat him.

R.I.P. Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow

Today is a sad day. After reading about the tragic event that took place this morning, I had decided to spend the day in mourning out of respect. But then I realized I could show respect ten fold by celebrating a life as opposed to drying my tears. So I shall do my best to keep my composure and be strong.

This morning was like any other morning. I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and went downstairs. After grabbing a diet coke, I sat down at the computer and checked today's news. I would have read the paper, but either my paper guy hates me or my neighbor is a thief...because I didn't have one. So I go to a news site and begin to read about the events that took place the previous day and while we slept. Lot's of interesting stories. Sounds like last nights democratic debate was a good one. Scientists discovered a rare creature in Vietnam. There was more death and destruction in Iraq. Apparently the reason the new Pope wears ruby red shoes is to make a statement of his desire to demonstrate continuity with the symbols and history of the church. And a baseball player has been lying about his age. Those are just some of today's headlines. I won't bore you by going over all the big stories. Trust me....the economy still sucks, Britney is still a psycho, and gas is at $42 a gallon. But all of these stories were secondary to the one that headlined the website. I'm talking about the story that has me all discombobulated on the inside.

So here it is...no more beating around the bush. The easiest way to get through this is to just come out and say it. Martha Stewart's dog died! (pause for moment of silence).

That's correct. That was today's top story. His name was Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow, and he was 13 years old....or 91 in dog years. Apparently he died of acute renal failure....or ARF. ARF is a rapidly progressive loss of renal function, or decreased urine production. Martha's people say she is holding up fine. She spent the day with Sharkey and Francesca, her 2 other dogs. They looked at old photo albums and played fetch for most of the day. Funeral services will be held at the Church of Saint Peter and WHO GIVES A CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you flipping kidding me? This was today's "Big news"? Her Dad didn't die. her Mom didn't die. Her f#*%ing dog died. And what the hell kind of name is Kublai Khan Paw Paw Chow Chow Chow? Cheese and rice...pick a name, will ya? Whoever the reporter is that thought we the public just HAD to know about this should be hunted down and tarred and feathered. Martha Stewart going to jail = news. Martha's mutt kicking the bucket = Martha's dog kicked the bucket. I get that pets are like family to some people, and sadness is sure to ensue. But is it newsworthy? I can see it now. The Pope will be giving his speech in D.C. and it will go something like this: "God bless our troops overseas and that all countries involved can find peace. God bless all of the sick and dying children of the world. God bless the homeless and weak. And....oh yeah...I almost forgot...God bless Maratha's dog". I am more interested in trying to have a conversation with a piece of cheese than I am in ole Martha's canine. It's not like she's Oprah. That would have been acceptable had it been her dog.

So that's all.

Oh yeah. I was thinking the other day and I wondered: If a guy is alone in the woods, and he says something.....is he still wrong? Someone get back to me on that will ya?

Looking Forward to Your Economic Stimulus Check? Too Bad it is Already spent.

When the Bush Administration announced earlier this year that they would be sending out economic stimulus checks to help revive the economy, it sounded like a good idea. What better way to pump some money back into the economy by giving us money to spend. Different people have different plans on what to do with it. Some will save it, some will pay off bills, some will go on vacation, and others will just go shopping. At least that is what they thought. Of all the businesses in the world, who are the last people that need an economic lift? If you said the big oil companies, you win the grand prize. They all reported record earnings this year, while airlines, hotels, restaurants, and retail stores reported dips in revenue. So by sending out checks to 130 million people would seem like a good start to putting money back into those companies. But instead of boosting local economies, we will in fact be boosting the oil companies already record profits. Isn't that lining the wrong pockets? let me explain:

The average person will be getting $600. Couples will get $1200 with an additional $300 per kid, up to 3 kids (I think it is up to 3...maybe it is 4). So for example purposes, I will use my family.

Based on the numbers above, my wife and I would get $2100 for us and our 3 kids. We own 2 cars. One of them costs on average about $60 a week to fill up the gas tank. The other car does not drive very far and only costs about $70 a month in gas. So between the 2 cars, that would be $310 a month spent on gas. Times that by 12 months and you get a total of $3720 a year for gas. That is $1620 more than what we are getting in our rebate. Plus, these numbers are low in comparison to the rest of the country. Most families own 2 cars, and probably pay more than the $310 we spend. Now I know what you are thinking. That we would be paying that even without the refund checks, so in reality, we are actually still saving money by getting the gift from the government. But my numbers are based on what we pay currently...with a total conducive to those numbers remaining current for the rest of the year. The problem is, gas prices are going to rise...and rise a lot throughout the year. So my point is that the Government is "giving" us this money, and we will be turning around and giving it to big oil companies, who as mentioned earlier...are the last people that need it. Did all of that make sense or did I just give everyone a big headache :)

But I would like to take this a step further. I did some research, and found out some things you may find interesting. Let me start with a couple of quotes. The first is from Energy Secretary Sam Bodman, and appeared in the Bloomberg news on March 5, 2008. He said the following:
"They see speculation in the market, I see decline in global inventories. I don't think this is a big surprise, that we've had a jump in price when there has been a decrease in crude inventories"
The second quote is from President Bush, and appeared in the Associate Press on that same day:
"It should be obvious to you all that the [gasoline] demand is outstripping supply, which causes prices to go up"

So why do I mention those quotes, and what do they have to do with my topic? I'm glad you asked. According to a recent article in Business week, there is no gas shortage. Gasoline reserves on hand are at the highest levels since the early 1990's, which is remarkable considering the nations refineries have been cutting back on the production of gasoline because their margins have declined. In fact, average gasoline reserves on hand have risen since this past October, while oil reserves in this country have gone up every week this year. So Energy Secretary Bodman's comments are at the very least "less than truthful".

President Bush goes on to tell us that demand is higher than supply, so of course prices are going to go up. The truth of the matter is that demand is DOWN, yet prices are still UP. Just so we can all get on the same page, here are the verifiable facts on oil supplies, production, and gasoline demand, according to the same Business Week article: In January of this year, the U.S. used 4% less petroleum than we did a year ago. [Oil demand was down 3.2% in February.] Furthermore, demand has been falling slowly since July of last year. Ronald Bailey of Reason Online has pointed out that worldwide production of oil has risen 2.5% in the first quarter, while worldwide demand has grown by only 2%. Production is expected to increase by 3.3% in the second quarter, and by as much as 4.1% by the third quarter. The net result is that the U.S. daily buffer for oil production against demand, which was a paltry 1.5 million barrels as recently as 2005, is now up to 3 million barrels in excess capacity today.

So what is going on here? Why would our Energy Secretary say there's a supply and demand problem when none exists? Why would he say that speculators have little or nothing to do with the incredibly high price of oil and gasoline, when it's clear they do? President Bush -- a former oilman -- gives the ever-growing demand for gasoline as the primary reason prices are so high, yet that notion can be dispelled with one minute of research. That's the problem with rhetoric; it rarely matches the facts. Again....at the very least, President Bush made a comment that seems to be "less than truthful". But is anyone really surprised by that?

So what have learned today? We have learned that there is no gas shortage, and fuel demand is actually down. Yet gas prices continue to rise at a disgusting rate, which in turn is going to cause us to use our stimulus checks on filling up our cars. So if you were looking forward to that new plasma TV, or a trip to the Bahama's, think again. Your check is already spent.

I Don't Get it

When I was a kid, all I wanted to be when I grew up was a professional baseball player. I could not get enough of the sport, and all of my hero's were ball players. Other than my Father, they were the only role models I looked up to. My favorite players changed as they retired, or I got older. They started with Johnny Bench and Reggie Jackson and went on to Roger Clemens and Eric Davis. Aside from recent allegations against Clemens, they were good, clean-cut role models. They stayed out of trouble and gave back to their community. They understood that without the fans, they would not have a job. My 7 year old son is the same way. He loves baseball. His hero's are Ken Griffey JR; Adam Dunn, and Ryan Freel.....all good people to look up too. Like my hero's, they set good examples and care about the game and the fan's.

The odds of becoming a pro athlete are about as good as me becoming a model. Even becoming a college superstar is extremely difficult. So here is what I don't get: Why is it that so many pro and college athletes today take their status for granted? If you are one of the lucky ones who is talented enough to get paid millions of dollars for playing a game, wouldn't you do everything in your power to keep from ruining that? Do they realize how many of us would give anything to have a shot in their shoes? I would play pro baseball for league minimum and never care if my pay went up. Hell, the minimum is like $250,000. Where am I going to get a 9-5 job that pays that? That is how much I love, and respect the game.

So why are their so many morons out there? The best example of this is Chris Henry, but he disgusts me too much to talk about. I understand that a number of factors go into why certain people behave the way they do, but come on. There is nothing that happened in his childhood that can excuse his behavior as a famous, rich, adult with a responsibility to his fans and his employer. Enough said about C.H.

let's talk about all the other stars who make bad decisions. Most recently Drew Lavender of Xavier University. He was just arrested on drunk and disorderly conduct, and pot possession. He was slated to attend a camp for college players looking to go pro. Now he does not know if he will even be allowed to attend. Was that joint and that beer worth the possibility of missing out on a childhood dream, not to mention millions of dollars. I sure hope that was one sweet doobie. The University of Cincinnati recently had 2 of it's football players arrested on drug charges, along with one of their incoming Freshman. Again...was it worth it? My guess is no. What angers me the most is that I would love to have played college and pro sports, but it was not in the cards for me. These guys get a chance to live my dream, and they spit on it. I understand that normal people with normal lives do the same thing. Whether it's a guy living on the streets or a millionaire CEO. The difference is our kids do not look up to them and they are not in the public spotlight on a daily basis.

Maybe I am missing something. Maybe there is more to what goes into their thought process than I understand. Take Chad Johnson for instance. The guy gets a $25,000 bonus just for attending workouts last month. What does he do? He skips it. $25,000 to get in shape? I'll go in his spot. I guess he figures he is so rich, what's a measly 25 grand. I would think that star athletes would want the public to see them as hero's. And if not a hero, how about someone who is just really fortunate to live a dream? I wish they would stop and think about the possible ramifications of their actions before they act on them. I wish my son was asking me to tell him how Barry Bonds is the greatest home run hitter of all time as opposed to why he used drugs. Honestly, I just don't get it!

New Week = New Idiot

With all of the bone headed things I see and hear, I may be able to make my "Idiot of the week" colum a regular occurrence. If you live in Cincinnati, you have all heard the local Budweiser commercials on the radio making fun of a variety of people. You know....the ones that go "here's to you Mr. Cut off jeans short guy", or "Mr. Big foam finger guy". Well I have a new one to add, but we will get to that in a minute. I want to set it up a little first.

Sports talk personality Jim Rome is a guy who loves pointing out boneheads. One of my favorites is his take on the idiots who attend golf tournaments. His reference is to the people who yell "get in the hole" every time Tiger Woods tee's off. Now this is exciting the first 2...maybe 3 times. And it only works on the par 3's. For all of you idiots who yell it on every single hole...like the par 4's and 5's...please stop. You are ruining our viewing pleasure. I mean seriously....how often do we see a hole in one on a par 4, and you will never see one on a par 5. So please, for the love of all that is holy.....STOP!

This brings me to my guy...or should I say group of guys. "Here's to you Mr. sit behind home plate at a baseball game and wave while on your cell phone guy". Did you get all of that? Yes, I am talking about the idiots who sit behind home plate during televised baseball games, find out we can see them via cell phone, then wave. Granted, this is acceptable for a few waves once you find out you are on the boob tube. But for the love of God, do you really need to wave every single pitch for the whole damn game? We get it....WE SEE YOU!!!!! It's not like you are on ABC's World news while standing next to the Pope for the whole world to see. No...you are on Fox Sports Ohio, and other than the person you are talking to on your cell phone...we do not care. If anything, you are making the game worse for us. So please...hang up your phone, drink your beer, and enjoy the game. That is what the rest of us are trying to do

On another note...I would like to give a shout out to my Sister Tara who works for ABC in New York City. Yesterday she ran a half marathon and not only finished the race, but with a decent time. And if that was not enough, later that night she won an Emmy for her work at ABC. Congrats Tara...we are all so proud of you. The only way I am running 13.1 miles is if someone is chasing me :)